Dear T-N-T,

I'm a nymphomaniac that wants to tear his mate apart every time I see her.  However, I don't want her to feel that it's all about sex.  What can I do to balance this out?

Signed,

Just Lovin' A Lady

Dear Just Lovin':

Two ways to look at this.  Are you a nymphomaniac who wants to tear any (attractive) woman apart and that's all you think about all the time?  Or is there something special about this woman that makes you want sex more often than usual?  Take into account how often you see her.  If it's only once or twice a week, there's not much cause for alarm.  Men like to think that they are "physical" about sex as opposed to women seeing it as "emotional".  In reality, men who classify themselves as nymphomaniacs are really using sex to fill an emotional void.  Address any deep-rooted issues you may have about closeness and intimacy with women.

Use your empathy skills.  How would you feel if someone you felt emotionally connected to seemed to only need you for a physical connection?  In what ways would she be able to convince you that it wasn't all about sex?  If you really feel as though you care about her, treat her the way you would want to be treated.  That's always a good way to decide on what to do.

Also, come to terms with the fact that your attraction to her may be 90% physical and 10% mental.  There's nothing wrong with that if she is on the same page.  If, however, she is really emotionally and mentally into you, you should let the relationship cool off.  You'll get tired of her soon anyway.  If you wait too long to start drifting away slowly, she will be disappointed when she discovers that what she thought was love was actually only lust.  Be honest with yourself.  Determine what you really want from her and be honest with her.  It's a new millennium.  Many women can handle the truth.

               -Tahira

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Dear Happily Single,

I most deeply respect and admire the fact that you acknowledge and appreciate a very fulfilling spiritual life and relationship with God.  To me, that supersedes all else and fills any void that a human being could have in his/her life.  However, there are lots of people who - and I don't care how many days a week they're sitting in a house of worship - still try to use people and things to validate themselves somehow.  Many people stay in unhealthy, unstable, and downright miserable relationships because they were programmed to believe that they NEED a significant other.  Usually,
they're programmed by places of worship that should be promoting commitment to God over commitment to a flawed human.  But ANYWAY... As someone who chose the song "Single Life" by Cameo as one of her Queen Themes, I am fully aware that negative childhood experiences have contributed to my love of being alone.  Could this be true for you as well? 

Still, as I stated in How to Be Queen of the Universe , being "alone" is being "at one" with God.  Sometimes, people who know of someone's troubled past think that the person can just get over it if he/she had someone to have sex/cuddles/dinner/arguments with.  They really are trying to help, but have no real understanding of your life and unique issues.  Why people feel the need to mess up a person's emotional journey by subjecting someone else to it is beyond me.  What I have learned is that your demeanor will determine how these people view you and your single-dom. If you are always happy, laughing, positive, and radiating with peace and fulfillment, they don't question your single status as often.  You'll get the ones who will start to see you as being better off single, as opposed to how your disposition was when you were attached.  You'll also get the ones who will try to set you up with all the emotionally-challenged folks in the world because they think "you'll be good for so-and-so".  (But why don't they see that so-and-so isn't good for you?) Keep a good sense of humor about it!  Limit responses to friends' and family's incessant pestering to two sentences that go something (cheerfully) like, "I'm having way too much fun being single!  Besides, my relationship with God is pretty hard to compete with!"  Best of luck!  Long live the ladies "at one"... with God.